Terrible Things
by Mad18Max
Summary: I did a lot of bad things after I was turned Beth. Things that you could never imagine, things I carry tremendous amounts of guilt for." They were bad things and when you don't die the past always catches up with you.
1. Chapter 1

"Sixty years is along time to deny yourself the touch of another; but you do it, because you can't bear the thought of seeing yourself as a monster in their eyes." Episode 1: Interview With a Vampire.

Click, click, click. As usual when I can't think, the silver pocket lighter is in my hand and it catches a glint of moonlight from the window across from the stairs where I'm sitting. I like looking out that window. Seeing the stars and the night sky hasn't ceased to pacify me in eighty years.

Click, click, click. It doesn't matter that I tried to keep Beth away par usual I ended up looking like a monster in her eyes anyways. When I think of her eyes all I can see is that stare she gave me at the funeral. All the while she looked empty bereft of anger or sadness, just empty. I've attended a lot of funerals in my time. Being a vampire you live on to see your friends and family die. I've never been to one so melancholy.

Click, click, click. Everyone muttered words of encouragement to Beth who nodded without even trying to smile. If she noticed me at all before everyone left she didn't say anything. When I tried to talk to her she turned away without even looking at me.

"Beth, please we need to talk." I grabbed her arm as she tried to walk away. She turned back to look at me and I let go. For what felt like the longest time I stopped breathing.

It didn't matter. She'd seen me feed, she'd let me feed on her, none of it mattered, I was more a monster to her than to people I'd killed.

With her stare I could only stagger backward. I have never seen hate in someone's eyes like that.

I dropped the lighter suddenly. I tended to forget how hot metal could get when you just left it in your hand with a flame long enough. Even the hot burning in my hand wasn't enough to cancel out the stinging hurt of Beth's words. "There's nothing left to say Mick." That hurt.

What else could I say? I'd tried to be a shadow out of the edge of her eyes, a friend, that one guy she'd kissed, a vampire she knew; but Josef called it. Now I was just a monster.

Drama builds inside of people and comes out as emotion. Even if there isn't much of a reason to feel the stress or worry from something dramatic, it still puts you on edge. I knew Josh's death wasn't my fault. I tried my best to save him and I didn't regret what I didn't do. I knew I'd said everything and explained as best I could to Beth. Somehow however I still felt guilty.

Beth had made it clear she never wanted to see me again. Maybe that was best. She could forget me, forget Josh, and go back to being normal. However I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. I resigned myself to seeing Beth one last time. If she told me she never wanted to see me again, I'd stay out of her life. CLICK.

I walked to Beth's apartment. The night air felt good on my skin. Something about a vampire out at night, maybe it's just Hollywood hype; but you feel invincible. The moon does to us whatever the sun does to a human.

I can't remember a longer walk in which I though about less. I tried to think about what I was going to say; but it was like trying to think as you lie in bed half-asleep. I decided to say whatever came out. I was fairly certain nothing I said would matter anyway. Part of me was terrified that she would say she never wanted to see me again. The other part of me had resigned myself to it. Whatever she decided, as much as it would hurt, I was ready to do it if it made her happy.

It was when I turned the corner to her block. I caught this smell, this perfect smell like wild licorice and willow. It hit me like a physical blow and I doubled over a little bit. I knew that smell better than food or blood. It brought back memories of moonlit evenings, sweet smiles, guilt that hurt, and anger that scared me.

I took it all in in a few seconds. It felt like it was all around me; but I managed to follow the smell, the scent I should say. It went right into Beth's apartment building. I looked inside; but didn't see anything. There was a man standing outside, smoking a cigarette.

"Hey, have you seen a woman go in there?" I asked.

"I see a lot of things," the guy shrugged. I know now it was an over reaction; but then it just pissed me off. I walked up to him quicker than I should have and wrapped his shirt in my fist.

"I asked you a question." Vampirism aside I was already bigger and stronger than he was and he was taken by surprise at how quickly I moved.

"Yes, yes. I saw that guy and his wife from the third floor; and a tall lady with blonde hair," the man said quickly.

"What'd she look like?" I pressed snappily.

"Man I don't know! Hot? Long hair, pulled back into a bun or something. I swear I wasn't paying attention!"

I let him go and he flicked out the cigarette and went inside closing the door firmly behind him. I pulled out my phone and crushed the cigarette under my heel. My fingers shook as I tried to pull up Josef's number. The scent seemed to press itself in all around me. I forced myself to look up and take a deep breath. I only managed to make it last half as long as I wanted to. I took a second; but I pulled the cell phone number out of memory and started pushing the numbers.

It's a defect of the technological age that by the time we figure out how to store phone numbers in our phones, we know too many people and don't have enough brain power to just memorize them. It took a while for Josef to pick up, he was never far from his phone and I was beginning to doubt the number when he picked up.

"Mick I know as best friend I should be available for emotional counseling at all hours; but I'm a little busy right now so maybe…"

"Drop it Josef," I snapped.

"Whoa Mick you alright?" Josef must have been able to hear the panic in my voice.

"Josef what do you do when you know you're experiencing something that can't be real?"

"I wake up." Josef's sobriety was relieving even if he couldn't stop cracking jokes. "Mick what's wrong?"

"I'm over at Beth's apartment." You can tell you've known someone too long when you know their rolling their eyes across a phone line.

"Mick that's not a dream, that's a nightmare. Just give her a few days to cool off…"

"No Josef I just picked up a scent. It's… hers." I didn't even want to say her name.

"Beth's apartment smells like Beth?" the sarcasm was loose because he knew I didn't mean her.

"Josef it's, I think its Audrey's." The line went silent. "Josef...?"

"Mick are you sure?" he didn't sound half as concerned as I wanted him to.

"Of course I'm sure!" I snapped.

"Whoa don't bite my head off. Look come back later if you don't want to talk to her."

"Josef what are the odds she go to Beth's apartment building of all the apartments in Los Angeles?"

"What's your point?"

"Josef what if she tries to hurt Beth?" Josef's response was instant.

"Mick she wouldn't do that," he said, sounding almost accusatory.

"Josef she left angry."

"No Mick she left hurt," he said sounding a little defensive. I started walking around the back of the apartment building looking for the fire escape.

"Josef listen…"

"No you listen. Sure she was angry; she had every right to be. She'd never hurt someone just because you kissed them. Well not unless she thought there was a chance she'd lose anyway."

"Josef, get down here now," I said as I spotted the fire escape.

"Mick she wouldn't…"

"Get down here Josef!" I said louder and hung up. The fire escape creaked unsurely as I landed on it. If it was going to fall I was off the first landing before it decided I was too heavy. I couldn't run up the stairs fast enough. On the third landing, with some supernatural aid, I heard screaming.

I moved even quicker if that was possible, not caring who was watching. I was fully prepared to break down the balcony door; but thankfully that wasn't necessary. I rushed into the apartment, through the bedroom and into the living room.

Beth looked up at me, startled from where she was curled up on the couch. She looked fine, other than the telltale signs that she'd been crying.

"Mick what are you doing here?" she asked me quickly rising. "Actually I don't care. You need to leave."

"What was that Beth?" came a rich voice from the kitchen. I turned to the doorway to the kitchen and there she was, kettle in hand.

She'd grown her hair out. It was pulled back; but still clearly long. Her hair was the same shade and every feature was the same as the last time I'd seen her. My jaw went slack as I saw her and for a few seconds her face went devastatingly blank; but it was only a few seconds.

Beth didn't even seem to notice. "Audrey this is…"

"Mick St. John," she filled with a gentle smile.

"How does everyone know you?" Beth asked me, rolling her eyes and walking back to the couch. Audrey set the kettle down in the kitchen.

The only way I can defend myself from my worries for Beth are to say that as soon as I saw Audrey I couldn't believe I'd thought them. She walked over and her scent seemed to enfold me. Her scent was perfectly intoxicating to me, and I couldn't help it. I was a little slow on the uptake, my mind still trying to process that she was back. I extended my hand. She smiled and wrapped me in a loose hug, the kind you give to a friend you haven't seen in a while.

As she pulled apart I knew I should say something; but I didn't know what on earth I could say after twenty years. Thankfully Audrey was a sharp thinker. "It's been a while Mick," she said with that pleasant smile.

That was to say the least. "It has," I agreed weakly.

"Tea?" she asked.

It turned out that weird scream I thought I heard was the kettle. Audrey moved through the kitchen without hesitation. She pulled out some tea bags and mugs. Beth was silent as she sat there. I just stood at the edge of the room. My problems with Beth were forgotten I just wanted to figure out how Audrey knew her.

So I asked Beth, "how do you know Audrey?"

"We met at a ski lodge after I broke my ankle and she helped me get down the mountain."

"What's she doing here?"

Beth's reply was sharp, "I do have friends Mick." I was stung a bit, then I remembered Beth was still mad about Josh. I decided to figure that out later.

"Beth, I should probably go."

"Yeah you probably should," she agreed. It took everything in me not to try and talk it out right there. I passed through the entry way just as a knock came at the door, Josef.

I opened the door and he looked unperturbed. "Remind me not to give you my cell any more." I was about to leave and take him with me when Audrey poked her head through the kitchen doorway.

"Josef!" she called, excitement and happiness far more genuine that what she had the courtesy to show me. Josef's smile rivaled her own, one of those rare smiles without sarcasm.

"Jo!" she cried running down the hallway. I barely got out of her way in time.

"Hey Audrey!" he called right back. Audrey ran into Josef's open arms smiling like a lunatic. Josef grabbed her and spun her around once. Audrey's hands lingered at Josef's face, palms on his cheeks, and I could remember her touch on my own. Somehow this genuine joy was almost embarrassing.

"Jo I've missed you. Oh you look great!" She stepped back and posed. "Now do me."

Josef laughed, "you look fabulous, as always."

"Jo, look at you!" she said excitedly, "haven't changed a day!"

Beth appeared next to me. "What's Josef doing here?" she asked me reluctantly.

"Well um…" thankfully Josef filled the silence.

"Well there are some perks to being a vampire."

"Audrey knows?" Beth asked looking a little confused.

"Beth knows?" Audrey asked Josef.

Josef nodded, "you know Mick bad," he stretched the word, "secret keeper. Me, I never told anybody he's still afraid of the dark…oops." Audrey laughed and took the opportunity to give Josef another hug, he smiled and returned it. I never met a woman Josef adored more than her.

"How does Audrey know?" Beth asked me.

I cleared my throat, "maybe Audrey should field this one." Audrey looked over without meeting my eyes. She walked over to Beth, Josef's arm reluctantly leaving her shoulder, and took Beth's hands in hers, making careful eye contact.

"Audrey is," she said gently. I expected a little more reaction than Beth gave. Beth seemed subdued as she took in the news. She looked almost irritated.

"Figures," she said softly and walked away, leaving us in worried silence.

I stepped to go talk to her; but Audrey turned and looked at me, "don't. I should talk to her." She turned to Josef putting on a weaker smile. "Give me your number," she said pulling out her phone.

Josef gave it and she got it down quickly. "I'll see you soon." She wrapped him in a last hug and he left. She turned to me and I wondered how on earth she was going to part from this awkward moment gracefully. Audrey, never disappointing, put a hand on my shoulder.

"I hope you're happy Mick," there was none of the expected malice in the words.

"You too," I croaked out, before I nodded and left.


	2. Chapter 2

Beth was crying on the couch again, huddled in a ball. Maile walked over and sat next to her without a spring creaking beneath her.

"Beth honey," she put a gentle hand on Beth's knee. Beth's face was swollen and red; and she looked as though the pain of losing Josh was still fresh with her.

All it took was a look, Beth cried harder, Maile opened her arms, and Beth crawled into them. Maile sat against the arm of the couch Beth's body cradled against her, side to front. Beth sobbed into Maile's sleeve and Maile's arms encircled her, one hand running through Beth's messy hair. All the while Maile whispered, "shh it's alright sweetie, it's alright."

After a good hour Beth finally sat up, wiping her eyes with the dirty sleeve of her sweatshirt. Maile pulled out a tissue and Beth wiped at her face. Maile waited patiently until Beth could breathe without shuddering or sniffling, then took Beth's hands. "Now are you going to tell me what's really wrong?"

Beth sniffled again. "Maile would you save me if I was dying?" she asked her voice creaking.

"Of course I would sweetie," Maile answered running her thumb over Beth's hands.

"When Josh died Mick was there. Mick tried to save him, I know he did; but Josh was dying from blood loss. When he lost conscious I begged Mick, I begged him," Beth started to cry again, doubling over.

Maile put a hand on Beth's shoulder, "hey stay with me kid." It took a moment for Beth to stop crying.

"I begged Mick to turn Josh so he wouldn't have to die," she said all at once. Maile's vampire senses picked out the meaning, and her face went blank. "I begged Mick; but he wouldn't. He wouldn't save Josh," Beth said with a voice so pitiful even a vampire's senses couldn't pick out the anger.

"Whoa sweets when you asked if I'd save you, you didn't ask if I would turn you," Maile said suspiciously.

"Well wouldn't you?!" Beth said instantly. Maile looked at her for a moment with a blunt expression that said she knew her answer.

"No," she said without breaking eye contact.

"What…why…?" Beth stumbled over the words to express her confusion.

"Sweets don't get me wrong, I'd die to save you, in a heartbeat, without a second thought; but turning someone is an entirely different matter. Especially for Mick," she added the last bit contemplatively.

"How is it different? How is being a vampire so terrible?" Beth started to rant, "how is being immortal, and strong, and powerful, HOW ON EARTH IS THAT BAD?!" she yelled. Beth thought of her experience with the black crystal. It seemed almost selfish to keep it to yourself; to not use it to save a dying man was unforgivable. The fact that Mick wouldn't do that to help her pierced her heart.

Maile eyed Beth with the tiniest bit of fierceness and Beth crumbled. Maile held her expression and didn't look as tough she was trying to comfort. She looked stern and a little bit disgraced.

"Beth, humans look at vampires and they don't even see them." She didn't pause as Beth looked up nor did her expression change. "All a human sees is the strength and the immortality. I dare you," she said slowly, "to experience the first morning after I was turned and not want to curl up and die half way through it." Her chin was stuck out defiantly and her teeth were barred slightly.

"A vampire is not a god, a vampire is a mistake, an accident. We're not supposed to be alive and we are not supposed to be the way we are. We are stuck, in this limbo between death and hell.

"I hope, more than I hope that the sun rises tomorrow and I live to see it, I hope there isn't a god. I need to believe that when I die, I will go out like a light and not have to suffer for the things I've done.

"When I look in a mirror all I can see is a monster staring back at me. Blood used to make me squirm; now I don't bat an eyelash. Horror and repulsion become a part of daily life. In fact what we have doesn't qualify for life. We're getting by or surviving, making it to tomorrow, so we can just try to make it beyond that, we cope, we exist, we stay alive; but we do not live.

"And beyond that all there is this feeling of wrongness that you have to cope with everyday. You see the people around you and it physically hurts. You see a little baby or an innocent child and it physically hurts that that innocence just reminds you of what you are because you can't block out the heartbeats of those miracles. Those little things that used to make life worth living cut at you worse than a knife and burn worse than fire.

"Never mind all the terrible things you do, you feel wrong! You know you're unnatural, and you pray that this is it so you don't have to suffer anymore when it's all over." Maile's face was taut and passionate, her jaw stiff. Beth was speechless.

Maile turned away and a single tear traced down her cheek as her expression broke. She sniffed, sounding more like a heavy breath; and for the first time Beth saw the hopelessness that Maile pushed past.

"I have a friend who is doing a study," Maile said, her voice evening with each word. "So far less than thirty percent of all newborn vampires make it to one year. They kill themselves or are killed, they can't learn fast enough to survive, their bodies can't stand the change, and those are just some of the reasons. Beth, vampirism is not the answer to anything."

Beth waited a minute, "you said Mick especially, why?"

Maile said nothing "…that's a long story; and it's not really my place to say. Beth, my place is right here. I don't want to be anywhere; but right here because you need me right now. I know you're mad at Mick; but trust me it's not fair to blame him after what he went through."

Beth was not done hating Mick for what he'd done yet. How was it that she managed to know all the vampires? She couldn't help wondering about Maile though. "If you don't mind me asking, how were you turned?" Maile stiffened just slightly.

"Well…" she sighed, "you want the short version or the long version?"

Beth smiled, "I'm a reporter I always want the long version."

Maile smirked just slightly. "Well you know I sing. I used to be the house singer for a place called Cabaret. It was this place people hired out for parties and the like. One night after a show I met this guy. I won't pretend I wasn't attracted to him. He bought me a drink, told me I was an amazing singer, we talked.

"I wish I'd have seen something, some look in his eye, some weird way he spoke; but I didn't. He was charming and a complete gentleman. It got late and I had to go. We made plans to get drinks again and he offered to walk me to my car. It was really late, almost two am, so I told him that would be great. It was an underground parking structure, everyone besides him, the person locking up, and I was gone. We got to my car and he grabbed me." Maile's voice got just a touch weaker.

"I'm not exactly a lightweight. When I was younger my brother used to roughhouse and goof off with me. He was a state champion wrestler twice my size. I learned a lot about how to protect myself; but none of it helped. This guy… he was strong. I couldn't do anything. I yelled and tried to jerk away from him; but he was so strong. His movements weren't erratic either like he was struggling to control me. He grabbed my wrists and held me as I tried to get away."

"It was terrifying. At first I was just pissed that I finally thought I'd met a nice guy and he turned out to be some creepy stalker; but when I couldn't get away the anger turned into panic and fear. I couldn't break free of his grip and I got so exhausted I could barely fight him anymore. Suddenly he pulled me back into the shadows without a second's hesitation to my struggling. He grabbed both my wrists in one hand and put a hand over my mouth." Her breathing was ragged and shallow.

"I watched the last person lock the door and leave," she said softly. Beth raised a hand to her open mouth. "I was still struggling and I pushed him backwards. There was a glass window behind him, part of the building. He broke the window and his grip loosened on me. It didn't even faze him. I broke away, grabbed a piece of glass, and ran towards my car. I looked back at him when I got to the door; but he was still standing there, hadn't even moved. He pulled my keys out of his pocket and dangled them in front of me.

"The next part scared the hell out of me. He covered the distance between us in less than a second," Beth knew what a vampire's top speed was like and she didn't blame Maile for the way she started to tremble just slightly.

"I raised the piece of glass and I felt it as it went into his chest. He didn't even stop. He grabbed me again, bit my neck, and drained me entirely. I found out later that when he had finished he pulled the glass out of his chest. It was deep in there from the way he impaled himself on it. When he pulled it out the blood arced onto me… I swallowed some; and that's how I became a vampire." That's how Mick turned me into a vampire, she thought to herself.


End file.
